I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
