your parents love me but you hate me
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
