perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
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