Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
