She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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