The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
