So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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