You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
