My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
