found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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