the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
