I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
