i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
