Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
