fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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