we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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