it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize