I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
