Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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