ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
