Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
