My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
