im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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