Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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