I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
