I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
