oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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