mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize