well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
