smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
