no, he came in my armpit
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
