I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
