Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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