I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
