i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
