how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
