please come you make the beer taste better
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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