Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
