I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
