He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
