And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
