I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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