Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
