i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
im six kinds of drunk right now
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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