In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize