jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
