If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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