Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
