My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
