I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
