You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
