The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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