The maid of honor just puked.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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