her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
