tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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