who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
