I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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